March 23, 2005
Once upon a time, ten years ago, exactly, I, Darin, hit bottom.
My old band had played its last show and I wasn't doing anything, so I decided to play drums for a guy who had a record deal. Never mind that it wasn't my style or my scene, or that I'd just spent five years as a front man. it just seemed like a good opportunity to make contacts and move up. Instead, it was a complete disaster. My drums and my playing were both considered unsuitable for the tracks, I was banished from the recording studio and eventually fired from the band altogether. I found myself alone in Austin, thirty years old with no gig, no job, no songs and no one interested. Nothing but time to ponder where in the hell I had gone wrong. It didn't take long to figure out. I was egocentric, I craved attention, I talked too much and I didn't know my place. What could be more annoying than all that? It became clear to me that if I wanted to play ball with the big kids, some serious changes would have to be made.
I spent the next two years stripping back everything I'd ever been until I got to the bare bones, accepting responsibility for my role in every bad thing that had ever happened to me. Then I started rebuilding. I worked day jobs, re-taught myself to play drums until I found my own groove, wrote a lot of songs and made a lot of home recordings. I studied Buddhism and married my girlfriend of seven years (now my wife of eight). Pretty soon after, things started going my way and my career began taking an upward trend. Eventually I was working for myself again, with a reputation as a fine musician with a professional attitude, a good creative spirit, and thankfully, a pleasant guy to work with.
Ten years later I'm in a whole new ballgame, the biggest one yet. It's not exactly my style or my scene, perhaps, but it sure seems like a good opportunity to make contacts and move up. Thing is, it's not just another crack at that decade-old scenario again; it's another chance at all of them! I'm in a class, I'm in a group, I'm on a team, I'm in a show, I'm in a family, etc. Am I succeeding? I dunno. I still don't know my place completely, but God knows I search hard for it daily. I avoid the spotlight until it comes to me, I speak with extreme caution and I've only annoyed one or two people (I think).
Am I comfortable? Shit no. Comfort is a luxury a reformed jerk cannot afford. One thing is certain, though. I'm good enough to play on the tracks.