May 2, 2005
Life is a series of learned behaviors. One learned behavior essential to survival, I've found, is the art of positive thought. The line between positive and negative thinking is often as thin as as the lines in these letters. Sometime it boils down to a few simple words.
For example, "How
in the world did I get here?" fills my mind with wonder.
"What the f**k am I doing here?" fills my mind with contempt. Y'see?
The choice is obvious.
In a job like mine, the positives far outweigh the negatives, that much is clear. But the negatives in this case can, if allowed, wreak havoc on one's psyche. To be a standby is to live in a twilight zone between legitimate and illegitimate. I'm a member of the cast, and yet I'm not. My name isn't in the script and my face isn't in the promos. The swings weren't even included on the official Lennon web site until I asked about it. I have a job to do like everyone else; in fact I have three jobs. But I have no real ownership of any of them. I mean, a janitor can at least own his mop and bucket, right? I don't even own my rehearsals. They can be cut short at any time.
But what I do own is a right to choose. I can either take offense to it after all the years of paying my dues blah-blah, OR I can do what others, like Nicole, have done and fearlessly embrace it as a challenge. A challenge to carve my own niche; to be my own leader; to make my own tasks that I can look back at and be proud of; to show up early, seize the stage and own it for an hour before anyone else gets there; and to perform at such a level that makes the rest of the company as eager for the day I go on as I am. A cast member said to me on opening night, "I know you wish you were up there tonight, but know that your work and influence is felt up there every night."
The choice is obvious.
That reminder comes none too soon, as we enter the final two weeks of performances at the Orpheum. Sixteen shows in twelve days for the cast and crew, some of whom already get a little tetchy after only six. We'll see what kind of stuff everyone is made of, and on which side of the thin survival line we all shall land.